Unforgivable
by Nittles
Summary: If you're going to misbehave, at least do it when the woman you love isn't around.
1. Chapter One

**Spooks is owned by BBC/Kudos**

**Note: This is completely alternate. I know that the chance of this ever happening in the programme is 0% so I hope nobody will try and compare it to events that could actually happen. Hopefully something a little different for you to experience! Enjoy!**

Juliet clung to Harry with all the energy she could. The glass of his office wall was cold through her thin blouse, and the force of him was pushing her back against it again and again. He pound into her faster and faster, desperate to find his own release, but desperate to take her with him.

"Oh Fu.. Jesus," Harry moaned as he could feel himself getting closer.

He didn't love Juliet. He didn't care about her feelings either to some extent. It was Ruth he wanted. Ruth he wanted and needed in no way that Juliet could provide. So why he was here, in the lone hours of the morning, with Juliet firmly pressed up against the wall of his office he'll never know. The opportunity presented itself and he needed physical release. Maybe Juliet would leave him alone.

He listened intently to Juliet's muffled cries and ragged breaths. A soundtrack he had heard before, but under entirely different circumstances. Her moans and breaths were accompanied by his moans of satisfaction and something sounding like china hitting the floor on the other side grid. He pound into her once more and then... _Hold on a second, something china hit the floor on the other side of the grid._

Harry suddenly stopped moving and snapped his head round to the source of the doors. Confused as to why Harry had stopped, Juliet slowly opened her eyes to find him staring across the grid.

Juliet's mouth opened wide in shock, but no sounds could be made as she tried to speak.

* * *

**30 minutes earlier**

"Juliet what can I do for you?" Harry was in no mood for her silly games.

He had been hoping to talk to Ruth but he hadn't seen her for a while and her belongings seemed to have disappeared. He could vaguely recall her saying she would be back soon but given the early hours he was sure she'd given up on coming back in and just gone straight home for some rest.

"I've come to say goodbye." Juliet shrugged.

"That's very noble of you," Harry muttered as he left her standing at the pods and made his way towards his office.

"Harry!" Juliet's voice held a warning tone, a tone he was glad to see the back of, but a tone he was sure he'd come to miss eventually.

"Goodbye Juliet," the words were delivered softly, but the underlying tone made it clear Harry wasn't going to go all sentimental on the occasion.

"Insufferable man," Juliet muttered good-naturedly. This certainly got Harry's attention.

Juliet approached Harry, who was still standing by the glass wall of his office. He'd had enough good grace not to leave her in the corridor, but wished she would hurry up and leave so he could finish his paperwork in peace.

"So I guess this is it," she whispered, bringing her hand up to very softly graze her fingertips down the side of his face.

"Goodbye Juliet,"

They stood in awkward silence for a moment; Harry leant against his office wall, and Juliet standing a few steps in front of him.

"Goodbye Harry,"

She leant forward instinctively and captured his lips with her own. It was brief but the underlying passion was clear. Leaning away from his embrace she could see the desire in his eyes. Not the desire of wanting her, just the desire of what could possibly happen if she lets it. This was physical, and a memory she was so desperate to make before she left.

"For old time's sake," she whispered, once again finding his mouth.

Harry moved quick, turning her 180 degrees so she was the one leaning against the wall. He smiled onto her mouth as she began tugging his shirt out of his waistband. _Just like old times_.

* * *

**45 minutes earlier **

"Harry," Ruth shouted. He was too busy reading a report from special branch to take any notice of the voice calling after him. "Harry, if you're listening I just have to go down and get some files from the forgery suite. I'll bring you up a coffee when I get back,"

Harry mumbled some form of acknowledgement in her direction and continued his brisk and purposeful walk towards his office. He knew it was a waste of time reading the report and signing all the files on his desk. He was bound to get disturbed.

* * *

**Present Day**

"Ruth," Harry muttered. "Oh shit, RUTH!"

Harry could only watch in horror as Ruth grabbed her coat from the rack and stormed through the pods. He could see her tear stained cheeks and her raw red eyes in the dim light, and quickly removed himself from Juliet's grasp before zipping up his fly and chasing after her.

**Please review! More to come!**


	2. Chapter Two

**Notes: This goes on the assumption that Harry never managed to catch up with Ruth after she fled from the grid. Enjoy!**

The tears had finally subsided and she sat alone in the kitchen, tea in hand. She couldn't bring herself to drink it. It had always been their little joke. Sweet tea solves the greatest of life's problems. She rose from her seat and poured the boiling beverage down the sink. It was a drink she would no longer associate herself with, not if it meant associating herself with _him_. She could have laughed at situation. She could have laughed at Harry screwing his old flame on the grid, at her own reaction to catching him in the process. She had no reason to be upset about it, they weren't even a couple, and it was her that had continually rejected his advances. But dear God she was in love with him. What's to say he wouldn't have done it even if they had been together? He'd cheated on his wife with that woman. It was beneath him after all. _But he didn't cheat on you,_ she reminded herself sternly, leaning heavily against the counter for support. _You're just jealous he's got over you and is quite happy to screw his ex lover in your presence. _

Before she knew what she was doing, her legs had carried her over to the tea bags, and she found herself tipping them all into the bin, before crushing the box beneath her feet and chucking it in the recycling box under the sink. She needed to cleanse herself of anything Harry, of anything that could remind her of what he had just done.

* * *

Harry sat in his study, the phone held idly in one hand, a glass of scotch in the other. He wanted so badly to call Ruth, to hear her voice on the end of the line. He didn't know what he could say to her. He loved her, and her reaction to finding him with Juliet on the grid was enough to confirm in his mind that she loved him too. He needed to leave her a message, regardless of whether she picked up or not.

* * *

Ruth jumped slightly as the shrill ringing of the telephone echoed down the hallway. She approached the phone with caution, as if it would suddenly blow at any moment, and after a quick glance at the caller I.D. decided against answering and sat on the first step of the stairs and wondered whether he'd have enough cheek to leave a message. He did.

"_Ruth, Ruth it's Harry. Please pick up, I'm dying to hear your voice... Even if it's to tell me you hate my guts and you never want to see me again, I just want to talk to you please. I'm so sorry Ruth, I really wish you'd pick up the bloody phone; nothing I can say is adequate enough for this message. Please, I'm begging you to pick up. And if you don't then I will..."_

"Harry," Ruth had given up listening to his hopeless ramblings and with the anger that had began to intensify, wondered how well he would cope with telephone interrogation.

"Er...Ruth," Harry stuttered slightly, slightly taken aback that she had finally picked up the phone. Yes, he had wanted her to, but now he could hear her breathing on the end of the line he was at a loss of what to say.

"I want you to leave me alone."

"Ruth, please let me expl..."

"NO! Harry, y-you will listen to what I h-have to s-say," her resolve was beginning to crack and she would feel the tears forming and her voice wobbling. She didn't want him to hear her so vulnerable. She wanted him to feel the pain she was feeling. To achieve that she needed to be strong.

"I don't want to see you; I don't want to talk to you. I won't answer your calls and I won't return your texts. I won't answer the door if you try and come round and I will have you arrested if you break in. I've also taken my three weeks holiday starting from Monday. It has just been authorised. Goodbye Harry."

Harry didn't have time to utter another word. Ruth had hung up. Harry slammed the phone down on its received and threw the untouched glass of scotch across the room. She knew him well enough to know he would try anything to see her. She'd covered all bases in her rant, and he could tell, despite her tone, that she was about to crumble. The thought of letting her down so badly and the thought of being away from her for at least three weeks got the better of him and soon he found himself head in hands sobbing uncontrollably.

* * *

Ruth lay in darkness staring up at the ceiling, fiddling absent-mindedly at the duvet cover. She'd sobbed, got over it, spoken to Harry, sobbed and now she was getting over it. She had three weeks. Three weeks of no Harry, no work, no gossip. She could relax, spend the time doing things she wanted to do. Time to forget about Harry, to remind herself he was over her, that he didn't love her, that he was the same inconsiderate bastard that had a habit of womanising anything with a pulse. She knew it'd be difficult, but she didn't quite realise just how difficult it would turn out to be.

**Please review! I appreciate some may not think the phone rant isn't very Ruth, but I do believe if something like that happened, she would want to be left alone and would want to avoid any confrontation hence, the holiday she'd decided to accept.**

**More to come soon!**


	3. Chapter Three

**People wanted a quick update, they got a quick update!**

Monday morning came around too quickly for Harry's liking, and as he entered the grid through the pods, he didn't know where to look. He couldn't look at Ruth's desk. No, that would remind him of what he had put her through, and the fact she wouldn't be occupying that desk for quite some time. He couldn't even bring himself to look at his office, let alone walk towards it. It was the bad omen, the object that would be associated with his clinch with Juliet on Friday evening. Sighing loudly, he walked towards his office, and noted warily that his office door was still open. In his haste to catch up with Ruth on Friday, he had forgotten all about national security, and the thought of somebody taking things of interest from his office began to creep into the forefront of his mind. Luckily for Harry, everything was still in place, except for a small handwritten note that had been left on his keyboard.

_Thanks for the memory, arsehole. Good luck trying to win Ruth back._

_All the best, Juliet x_

He ripped the note up into small pieces and chucked them into the bin before walking around to his drinks cabinet and pouring himself a healthy dose of whiskey. _07:44_. Too early for a drink by any means, but in order to get through the week he needed something to numb his system.

* * *

Ruth awoke, yet again, to the shrill sound of the telephone. If it was anything like the last two mornings, it was Harry, ignoring her plea for privacy, begging for her forgiveness. Glancing at the clock she noted, somewhat sombrely that she would be in work, at her desk, no doubt staring at Harry through his office wall. Straining her ears, she could just about make out the sound of the machine asking the caller to leave a message.

"_Ruth, it's Harry. I know you said you wouldn't pick up the phone, but you didn't say I couldn't leave any messages. I know you're angry and I know I have let you down so badly, but I just don't know what to do with myself Ruth. Please, we really need to talk; I really need to explain myself to you. I know you don't want to hear my excuses Ruth but please... Please I'll call later, my message time is about to run out. Take care Ruth, Ruth I lo..."_

The message rung off uncompleted and Ruth help but try to analyse what it was he could have said before it rung off. In her mind there was only one thing Harry would say in order to try and win her round like this, but in these circumstances, she knew it would only make her more angry, and make her hate him even more. She was glad it ended when it did. If he'd have finished that sentence she probably would have stomped onto the grid and smacked him round the head with a saucepan. He had no right to say that to her. No right whatsoever. Crawling out of bed, she made her way carefully down the stairs. A comatose Ruth and stairs didn't mix. Getting down the stairs without injury, she turned her attention to the answer machine and deleted all her messages. Smiling to herself, she went into the kitchen and set about making herself some breakfast. She was going to forget about what he meant to her whether he liked it or not.

* * *

"Ok, so fill me in on the latest," Harry addressed the rest of the group. He looked pale and withdrawn and Adam couldn't help but notice that Ruth's chair had remained unoccupied all morning.

"Well Jo has the main Intel report; she's just liaising with a few people from GCHQ at the moment for some more details."

"Surely the Intel report should have been finalised by now?" Harry questioned Adam further, irritation evident in his tone.

"Yes, well in theory it should have done. But Ruth hasn't been here all weekend, and she wasn't in this morning so we're falling behind slightly. Jo got on it the moment she arrived." Adam replied.

"For God sake's," Harry cursed a little too loudly, causing many of the personnel around the table to jump slightly. "Just because Ruth isn't here doesn't mean this department has any right to fall apart. I want those Intel reports on my desk by midday or everybody is spending the weekend in a Russian Cell. Do I make myself understood?"

A chorus of grumbles and murmurs greeted Harry's threat and he dismissed the meeting before storming back to his office, clearly not in the best of moods. It was Ruth's first day off work and already he was struggling to cope. Yes, the work hadn't been completed and he was sure to get in trouble for his departments lack of timekeeping, but the fact Ruth wasn't there to calm him down or reassure him he was doing the right thing really got him down. He had no right to wallow in self-pity; it was his fault she wasn't here. He'd left her three voice mail messages and had arranged for her favourite flowers and chocolates to be delivered to her home that afternoon. He knew she'd told him to leave her alone, and he knew rationally she might come round quicker if he did, but something told him that she would try to move on and forget about what they could have had and he wasn't ready to let that go, not without a fight.

The great Harry Pearce was in love, and he was going to do anything to win her back.

**Please review! More to come soon!**


	4. Chapter Four

**Notes: I'm really getting into this story, hence the recent quick updates. Enjoy!**

The knock on the door was unexpected, but looking down the hallway she could make out a delivery man's reflection through the glass in the door. It wasn't Harry, which was all that mattered. Peeling the rubber gloves off her hands, she threw them on the side before heading towards the door. If she hadn't been so relieved in realising it wasn't Harry she might have taken the time to remember she hadn't ordered anything that needed to be delivered and that the intruder at the door was rather suspicious. Ruth pulled the door open and the delivery man turned to face her and glanced at his clipboard.

"Delivery for Miss Evershed," he stated, smiling slightly when he watched her gaze focus on the gifts he was about to present to her.

"Yeah," Ruth nodded. "Who are they from?" She asked cautiously, not taking the offending items out of the delivery man's outstretched hands, instead feeling the anger being to boil once again in her veins when she realised who on Earth would go through the trouble of setting this up.

"Delivery from Mr. Pearce," he replied, once again glancing at his clipboard for confirmation.

Without missing a beat, Ruth wrapped her arms firmly around her waist and scowled.

"Can you return them to the sender please? Tell him it's too late for tacky gifts."

* * *

Adam knocked before entering Harry's office. Harry appeared to be reading the file in front of him, but on further inspection his eyes were glazing over the words that were written was he was simply lost in his own world.

"Harry," Adam said, peering round the edge of the door until Harry looked up and acknowledged him. It was an unspoken understanding that nobody was allowed to cross the threshold without Harry's permission, except Ruth of course.

"Is there anything I can do for you Adam?" Harry's tone was sharp and no-nonsense, enough confirmation for Adam that something was going on.

"Where's Ruth?" Adam asked casually, trying his hardest to feign innocence as he edged his way closer to Harry's desk and stood over it, watching Harry like a hawk.

"Took her three week annual leave," Harry replied deadpan, his eyes burning through the report laid out in front of him.

"I thought it took weeks to authorise those. She hadn't put it in last time I checked."

"She filed it under special circumstances, it was authorised the same day it was put in."

"Harry?"

Once again Harry diverted his eyes away from the report and stared intently at Adam.

"What?" Despite the confidence in Harry's tone Adam could tell something wasn't entirely right.

"Are you ok?"

"I'm fine Adam, a few sleepless nights and too many files. You know how it is," Harry chuckled slightly for full effect, but the laugh died down abruptly when the office door opened once again and Jo peered round the door holding the gifts that Harry had sent to Ruth earlier that day.

"Harry," Jo sounded breathless, and now he was about to be publicly humiliated in front of his section chief and Ruth's best friend.

"Joanna,"

"The delivery man was just in reception. He told me to return these gifts to you and say that Miss Evershed refused to accept them, something about it being too late for tacky gifts and next time pay him more money or send a messenger boy."

"Thank you Joanna," Harry replied smoothly, trying his hardest not to react to the rejection and humiliation he felt coursing through his veins. "If you could leave them on my sofa."

Jo nodded and did as Harry bid before making a hasty retreat. Adam, however, stood flabbergasted and tried to make sense of everything that had just played out before him.

"This fails to add up Harry," Adam started, "Ruth taking sudden annual leave, Ruth rejecting gifts from you, you moping around like a depressed teenager. Harry, what is going on?"

"Nothing is going on," Harry barked. "Now please leave me in peace before I have you taken out and shot."

Adam shook in head in mild amusement at Harry's poor attempt to hide his annoyance and left his highly irate boss alone in his office once more.

* * *

Ruth had finally finished spring cleaning the house. Old clothes, books and records had been taken to the local charity shop, everything was back in its original place and everything was just plain Ruth. Ruth absent-mindedly began channel-surfing in the hope to watch something mildly entertaining before settling down to read a book. As her body finally began to mould with the sofa and she began to feel truly comfortable, the doorbell rung. She contemplated getting up to answer the door, but further ringing confirmed her suspicions, and she relaxed once more, choosing to stay in her cloud of bliss in the living room and ignore the frustrated knocks and constant rings of the bell.

"Ruth," a deep voice growled through the letter box. "Ruth, please I know you're in here. Answer the door!"

Harry's plea's for her to answer the door remained unanswered and after what seemed like eternity the voice died down and she assumed he had given up and left her to it. Reminding herself she was doing the right thing by making him suffer, she turned the living room lights out and padded her way up to her bedroom, not even bothering to brush her teeth.

Ruth woke early the next morning. She was due to meet up with a friend in town and wanted to take the time to look her best before heading out. They hadn't seen each other since the university days, so it was important she scrubbed up nicely. As Ruth padded around the kitchen, she cursed quietly when she realised she had run out of bread. Reasoning with herself she wouldn't have any spare time during the day to grab some, she slipped on her shoes, grabbed her coat and purse and set about getting some from the local corner shop while it was still early.

Opening the door, she wasn't prepared for what she was about to see. Harry had fallen asleep on her door step.

**Ooo la la!**


	5. Chapter Five

Ruth stood shock still as she took in the sight before her. Harry, who she had spent the whole of last night crying over, was fast asleep on her doorstep looking rather dishevelled. However angry she was with him for what he did, she couldn't help the flush that stained her cheeks when she realised he could wake up at any minute to find her gawping at him. That was the last thing she needed.

She didn't move for a number of minutes, instead deciding the best course of action for what was currently unravelling before her eyes. If she didn't wake him, he wouldn't have time to get washed and changed before work, but if she did wake him up, she'd have to deal with a confrontation. No matter how well her resolve was holding up, her composure wouldn't stand a chance under his smouldering gaze. Deciding that going to the shop now would only lead to the inevitable happening, she turned on her heel and marched back into the house, slamming the door behind her as she went.

Harry jumped at the sudden bang that echoed through his ears. His eyes snapped opened and he quickly scanned the area for any suspicious activity. He may be reaching the years of retirement but his reflexes were just as good as ever. Calming slightly at the prospect of not being in immediate danger, he allowed himself a few moments to compose himself before re evaluating the situation and figuring out why on Earth he was laying outside somebody's front door. Ruth's front door.

_Smart move Pearce_, he cursed himself inwardly. _Falling asleep on her doorstep is really going to make her forgive you. _Reasoning with himself that now he was here he might as well finish what he started, he slowly manoeuvred himself to his feet and dusted himself down until he looked reasonable and eventually rung on the doorbell.

Ruth had half expected the doorbell to ring again. Part of her had held on to the hope he would have fled the scene in mild embarrassment, but knowing Harry as well as she did she knew he wouldn't leave until he had said his piece. Pulling the safety latch across the door, she eventually caved in and pulled the door open as far as the latch would allow. She stood behind the door, a sign she would listen to what rubbish he felt like uttering but not giving him the pleasure of reading her face. He definitely didn't deserve to see her.

"Ruth..."

"Harry..."

The desperation for both of them to say their piece first lapsed them both into awkward silence until, eventually, Harry coughed nervously and ushered Ruth to speak.

"I want you to say what you have to say and then leave. Heaven forbid you would take my plea for privacy seriously." The words were uttered quietly, but the underlying anger and frustration at Harry's stubborn refusal to leave her alone until he had explained himself was very clear.

"Ruth, I just want to say that I am sorry, _really_ sorry for what happened. I know there is no excuse for what I did, and I'm old enough to know that apologising won't make everything ok Ruth, but if you won't talk to me or let me see you can you at least let me explain what happened."

Silence.

"Juliet got a job in a successful security firm in Canada. She left on Saturday morning, she'd come to say goodbye."

"Some goodbye that was," Ruth muttered darkly under her breath, hoping the tone of voice would mask the sound of shuddering breaths and the sighing sobs she was trying too hard to suppress.

"Ruth please..." Harry pleaded. It was hard enough as it was, but knowing he had hurt Ruth in the process made it a whole lot worse.

He wished he could see her face; he wished he could break this door down and scoop her up in his arms. He really wished more than anything that he hadn't been so bloody stupid in the first place. He wished a lot of things, but this was more than what he deserved and he had to make the most of it. The silence from the other side of the door gave Harry the signal it was ok to continue.

"She kissed me and I don't know what happened, but next thing we were... we were," he trailed off.

"Y-you were having sex," Ruth interrupted plainly as her shuddering breaths became more apparent as the seconds rolled by.

"And you know what the hardest thing is Ruth?" Harry laughed hysterically at his own desperation. "The hardest thing was that I knew I didn't love Juliet, and I knew that what I was doing was wrong. The fact that I have hurt you more than I have ever hurt anybody else, the fact I was with Juliet and I spent the whole time wishing it was you, the fact that I love you and you won't even acknow..."

Harry stopped suddenly and screwed his eyes tightly shut, mentally biting his tongue. He knew from the sudden movement inside the house and the door swinging open on its hinges that it had been the wrong thing to say. _Oh way to go Harry._

"Don't," Ruth ground out between her teeth. "DON'T YOU DARE TELL ME YOU LOVE ME! WHAT RIGHT DO YOU HAVE?"

She lunged at him with all her might, pounding her fists into his chest so hard he was forced to retreat backwards down her garden path at such a speed it almost looked like he was running. The constant flow of expletives that Ruth was screaming and the sounds of violent punches soon caught the neighbour's attention but by then it was too late. Ruth, who had tears streaming down her face, was slightly hysterical and fully focused on assaulting Harry and causing him as much pain as possible.

Harry on the other hand welcomed her violent reaction. She hadn't responded to him all weekend, and he was glad she was relieving some of the pain and anger that she had allowed herself to bottle up, even if it meant hurting him along the way. He deserved it, and he welcomed this punishment. Any excuse for him to be close to her, to touch her, to try and comfort her. He was the reason for her pain, and she was the reason for his. God they loved to hurt each other.

"Ruth..." Harry began to protest, attempting to grab her arms with his hands in order to calm her assault. It was no use; she pulled away from him before he could react and then responded by harder blows lower down his front until they were pounding into his stomach. Now they really hurt.

"GET HIM OUT OF HERE!" Ruth screamed hysterically to any body was listening, the power of her punches slackening slightly as she allowed the tears and the fully-pledged breakdown to take over her. "PLEASE SOMEONE JUST GET HIM OUT OF HERE." Ruth began to sob uncontrollably, letting go of Harry completely and slumping against her front wall, head in hands.

Harry cried out for her, unable to reach her for he was being held and ushered away by some of the concerned neighbours who had left their houses in all the commotion, and despite his pleas that he needed to stay, he was told in no nice terms that he needed to leave now before the police were called and things were bound to get nasty.

Harry reluctantly gave in and walked slowly to his car, stopping a short distance away and turning back to face Ruth, who was now being comforted by people he had never even met. Rubbing his eyes frantically to try and stem the tears that threatened to fall, Harry completed the journey to his car and slumped in the front seat.

The drive home was the longest and most painful he had ever experienced. Images of Ruth kept flooding his mind, and although he had knew he had hurt her, he had never really understood to what extent. Now he knew, the guilt was ten-fold and he cursed himself for underestimating the situation so badly.

Ruth was vaguely aware of her next door neighbour trying to lift her up off the floor and usher her inside. She might have contemplated the idea, she'd already embarrassed herself enough this morning, but she was numb. The tears had physically drained all her energy and her body ached with exhaustion.

"Here take this," a neighbour urged, gently thrusting a mug into her hand.

"What is it?" She croaked quietly, her voice still hoarse from crying.

"Sweet tea my dear."

Ruth toyed with the idea of tipping it on the pavement, to ask her neighbour why on Earth they had been so inconsiderate to give her this drink of all the hot beverages available. Instead she smiled and muttered feeble thanks before taking a hesitant sip. Somewhere in the back of her mind it registered that she still had a friend to meet that afternoon, but all of that seemed so insignificant now.

She felt drained, but she felt better.


	6. Chapter Six

By the time Harry had arrived home, showered and changed he was already late for work. The long shower he had taken had done nothing to soothe the aching in his joints, the guilt and pain he felt for what he had done nor the bruises that were starting to form on his stomach. He stomped into the kitchen, searching high and low for the car keys he had put down only twenty minutes previous. _What a morning this was turning out to be. _

As he brushed past the fridge door in his haste to find his eyes, a magnet was knocked out of place and several pieces of paper fell to floor. Harry, in no mood for these distractions, cursed loudly as he picked up the offending items off the floor and thrust them onto the kitchen table. That was when he noticed the photo of him and Catherine smiling happily on the top of the file. In his guilt-ridden state the night before last, Harry had taken to turning down any upright pictures. The sight of happy faces at a time of such distress made him feel sick. He knew it was an irrational way of thinking, but even behind a camera lens what right did he have to be happy when he bore on Ruth the type of pain he had experienced when he'd found out Jane had cheated on him. He knew what it felt like, and that made him hate himself even more.

He didn't know where his rage came from, but before he knew it he had grabbed the papers off the table and ripped them into several little pieces before ramming them into the bin. He found his car keys on the counter and breathed a sigh of relief before grabbing them and turning to head towards the door. As he made to leave, he felt the familiar rumble of a mobile phone in his trouser pocket.

"Yes," he barked down the phone, leaving the recipient in no illusion that he was in no mood for games.

"We have a situation; we need you on the grid ASAP."

"Ok, I'm on my way."

Harry hung up the phone and placed it back in his pocket before turning and single-handedly sweeping his hand across the counter, causing everything to go crashing on the floor. _Time to pull yourself together Pearce_, he told himself sternly, _you've got a country to protect._ He took one last look at the small mess he had created and half wondered how much money he would be spending to replace some of the things he had just broken, noting dejectedly in the back of the mind that no amount of money could replace the love of Ruth which he more than certain he had lost.

**Three Hours Later**

Ruth had been grateful for her neighbour's intervention. Her friend had been given directions to her house (her neighbour had reasoned that Ruth was in no state to face the world today), and she was now lying on her sofa, a mug of hot chocolate in one hand, the remote in the other and a box of tissues on her lap.

The shout through the letter box announcing her friend's arrival awoke Ruth from her reverie. What she'd been daydreaming about she wasn't entirely sure, but as she reluctantly rose from the sofa she noted with mild panic that it was already midday.

Pulling the door back for the second time that morning, she let out a shaky breath as her friend uttered her name softly and drew her into a tight embrace. Ruth smiled for the first time that morning and stepped aside to allow her friend to enter before guiding her into the living room and offering her a drink.

"I'm happy with some water at the moment if that's ok Ruth," her friend smiled before watching Ruth turn her back and head into the kitchen.

A few minutes later Ruth returned and placed their drinks on the coffee table.

"So, how are you Amy?" Ruth eventually spoke, trying desperately to feign casualness and keep talk small.

"Same old I'm afraid. Gary's been promoted, he's moving to a new office in Central London in a few weeks, for now he's just tying up loose ends. The kids are just kids, creating nothing but mess and causing nothing but trouble. You know how it is," Amy laughed, her laughter ceasing slightly as she noticed the pained expression Ruth was sporting.

"I was hoping to avoid mentioning it," Amy started slowly by way of explanation, before leaning into Ruth and grasping her hands tightly in her own. "But your neighbour hinted that something had happened this morning and that it would benefit you to stay here. You look like you could do with a good cry, a good shower and a good sleep if I say so myself."

Ruth laughed bitterly.

"I've done enough crying to last me a lifetime. My tear ducts need a rest," she muttered darkly, removing her hands from Amy's grasp so she could grab her drink.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really," Ruth replied, returning her drink to the table before turning her face briefly away from Amy's.

"Try me," Amy ventured, shrugging her shoulders. "I might even have something to offer you to take your mind off whatever it is."

There was something about Amy that Ruth couldn't deny. The genuine concern floating in her eyes, the softened features as Amy tried to get her to talk, the patience she held as she allowed Ruth to compose herself and attempt to open up. There was something about those virtues that was all too familiar to her; she just couldn't quite put her finger on it. Taking a breath, she decided she'd tell Amy everything, confide in her friend and bugger the consequences. She deserved to be happy.

**Three Hours Later**

For the fifth time in an hour Jo had been on the end of Harry's exceptionally bad temper. She didn't know what had got Harry's knickers in a twist, but she smart enough, and nosey enough to hazard a guess. Ruth had taken her three week annual leave, Harry had been unbearably stressed and melancholy, she then had to give Harry back the gifts Ruth had stubbornly refused to accept and now they were here. Jo had this sudden urge to get the latest gossip and announced loudly to anybody that would listen that she was taking her fifteen minute break and she'd be outside the entrance to Thames House if anybody needed her.

"Ruth hi, it's Jo. How are you?...I'm not too bad thanks. No, no. Everything's ok here, Zaf and Adam are running riot... How's your holiday going?... Oh right, who offered that to you?... That's nice of them, are you going to take it?... Ruth, you're going to have a wonderful time, I'm so jealous! When are you leaving?... Two days, that's Thursday right?... Nice, I couldn't think of anybody that deserves it more. So how long are you staying there for?... Two weeks, oh! The rest of the holiday break! If you come back with a nice tan I'll cry... Bring back a nice Spanish fella for me will you, you should pick one up yourself, they're so hunky and gorgeous! I have to go now; I think my break is nearly over. Harry's in such a bad mood he'll probably lock me in a holding cell for the rest of the day if I'm late back... Have a good time! All my love, see you soon! Bye honey... bye, bye."

She hung the phone up before taking in what she had just heard. Ruth of all people in the world was getting ready to take a two week break in Spain just because her friend had offered her free use of her villa. Jo secretly wished she had more friends like that and made a mental note to be introduced to this friend once Ruth was back from her break. Trudging back to her work station, Jo pondered on just how much Ruth deserved this break. She couldn't pretend to know exactly what was going on, but based on the assumption that Ruth agreed to this break without a fight obviously meant Ruth was desperate to get away from troubles closer to home. Jo knew the last few days hadn't been Ruth at all and she was desperate to get to the bottom of what was making her closest friend so unhappy. There had been rumours around the water cooler, and anybody who knew both Ruth and Harry well enough had come to the conclusion that Ruth's annual leave and Harry's escalating temper were closely related.

The moment Jo stepped through the pods she was approached by a rather red faced Zaf who looked like he'd rather be anywhere than on the grid.

"Jo," he gasped as he stopped in front of her. "I need you to take these to Harry. Malcolm thinks he's picked up something and I'm needed with him at the moment."

Without giving her a moment to protest he thrust a few folders into her hands before uttering thanks and virtually running back down the corridor. As she contemplated waiting a while before re-approaching Harry her devious mind began to work and she soon found her feet walking towards his office without hesitation. Knocking once, she waited for his gruff acknowledgment before sliding the door to one side and heading towards his office.

"Sorry am I disturbing you?" Jo started nervously. He looked like he was ready to spit nails.

"No Joanna, it's fine. Are they for me?" He gestured towards the files that were clamped tightly against her chest.

"Oh, these... yeah, yeah here," she placed the files into his expectant hands before getting ready to turn on her heel and leave.

"Oh and Harry," Jo said, nervously bouncing on the balls of her feet.

"Yes Joanna," Harry didn't look up from his files, telling her in uncertain terms that he wanted nothing more than to be left alone.

"Is it ok if I leave early from work tomorrow?"

"Surely your nails can wait until the weekend?"

"Well, actually, I wanted to help Ruth pack before she goes on holiday, like surprise her and that."

Harry looked up abruptly, a mixture of shock and confusion spreading across his features.

"Holiday?" he spluttered.

"Yeah, she's borrowing her friend's villa for two weeks; she probably left a message to tell you,"

"Villa?" Harry was a well travelled man and he didn't know any place in the UK that used Villa's as form of accommodation. Then realisation hit him. "She's going abroad?"

"Yeah, Spain." She paused as she searched his expression for clues. She didn't tell you?" Jo knew she was playing a dangerous game and should probably leave now before Harry got too red faced and irritable but something in his expression kept her rooted to the spot. He looked like he was fighting many conflicting emotions.

"No, she didn't." Harry knew Ruth wouldn't be talking to him for some time following the morning's commotion, but at least he knew he could sleep easy knowing she wasn't too far from him and that he could at least keep an eye on her to make sure she was ok. If she went abroad he couldn't track her, make sure she was safe. Any man could come along and sweep her off her feet and he wouldn't be there to try and make her see sense. A young, tall, good-looking man sweeping her off her feet in the burning sun on a beach was Harry's worst possible nightmare and it was unravelling to be reality right before his eyes.

"Thank you Joanna," Harry eventually muttered, giving Jo a very clear he wanted her out of his office immediately. She obliged and pulled the door behind her as she left. She reasoned with herself that it was for the greater good that he knew about Ruth's proposed trip, although she knew deep down it was her desperation for gossip that had made her spill the beans.

What Jo didn't realise was that the next two weeks would be the most stressful of her life. She'd definitely regret telling Harry.


	7. Chapter Seven

**A/N: A little filler before it really gets going!**

**Two Weeks Later**

Nobody knew the real reason for Ruth's annual leave but Harry had reasoned with himself that working with a bunch of intelligent people meant you would expect the speculation to be quite high, which inevitably it was. Part of him worried about what Ruth would be subject to once she arrived back to work. Of course this too was his fault, but he was worried for her and how she would react not only to the rumours floating about the work place but the inevitable book that Zaf would be running on the matter. Sometimes he wished he could take all the pain he'd inflicted on her and pile it all onto himself. _A selfless option,_ he had thought, _but then it shows me just how much pain I have caused her and that is something I would rather not feel. _

He'd even gone round to Ruth's house the afternoon Jo had told him Ruth would leave for her holiday. He had been secretly been hoping Ruth had made it up to throw Jo off the scent. He'd known deep down she hadn't. He would have stayed and watched the house for some time were it not for her nosey neighbours recognising him from a few weeks ago and ushering him a way like a stray cat. He'd known better than to stay and argue with them and had returned to his car with farfetched hope that Ruth might be thinking of him, thinking about forgiving him, but definitely not thinking about getting over him.

Harry watched Ruth as she pulled up in front of her house and switched off the engine. He wasn't entirely sure what his motives were, but he knew his actions would be dictated by them soon enough. He'd managed to get Ruth's arriving day off of Jo in one of her more vulnerable moments and without hesitation had decided he'd sit it out and try to talk to her that afternoon. He smiled as he watched her struggle to lift her suitcase out of the boot of the car before slamming the doors shut, locking it up safely and making her way to her front door. He knew he should leave her alone, but if the last two weeks had proved anything, it was that he definitely couldn't face life without her.

* * *

Ruth pushed the door open let out a loud sigh as she placed her suitcase by the bottom of the stairs and closed the door behind her. She was home. The last two weeks had been the most peaceful she daresay she'd ever experienced. She didn't have to worry about getting up early for work, or worry about the day to day hassles of her working life. She was free to be plain and dandy Ruth Evershed for two weeks in a place that nobody would ever recognise her. And she had been happy, even if she had to reluctantly admit she had missed Harry just a little bit.

Turning her attentions back to the fallen post on the mat, she picked up all the offending items and scanned through them one by one. Just as she was about to move from the hallway and settle down in the living room she felt the unmistakable thrill of eyes boring into the back of her head. It was a sixth sense she had developed throughout her time on the grid, and as she realised what this feeling meant she once again felt the repressed anger beginning to bubble on the surface. _If it is him,_ she thought. _If he is here just as I get back from my holiday..._

She turned her head slightly to get a better view through the door window and knew the moment she saw a bulk of flesh and bones standing on her doorstep that her worst suspicions had been confirmed. She toyed briefly with once again leaving him alone on her doorstep. It seemed a logical idea too, except for the fact the result of what happened last time she did that were still etched firmly into her memory. She pulled the door open stood glaring at the man in front of her for some time. He looked paler than usual, a little more tired as well. Studying him a little further she also realised he was shaking slightly, and it was far from cold outside. The anger than had previously been building up seemed to deflate and she found herself calm enough to think this might do them both a little good. She had spent two weeks away from him as he had her.

She stepped to one side to allow him entrance to her home. She didn't wait for him to step over the threshold; instead she turned on her heel and marched in the direction of the kitchen searching for the strongest beverage she could find. The sound of the door clicking shut and hasty footsteps in her direction told her everything she needed to know. He had accepted her offer to come in, the look of surprise still evident on his features (he'd been sure she'd turn him away again but he just had to keep trying) as he entered the kitchen. He was in her house, she had no where left to hide and now they had no choice but to get it all out in the open.

**Please review! More to come soon!**


	8. Chapter Eight

They sat in silence for some time, both contemplating their first move, but yet both too nervous to articulate it. It wasn't until Harry broke the tension with his nervous coughing that either of them felt the need to speak.

"How was your holiday?" He eventually asked, staring intently at the wall opposite. He'd had a whole little speech prepared and several mental lists of what he should and shouldn't say. Striking up conversation by asking how her holiday was had been one of things he'd told himself he definitely shouldn't do. Oh well, it was too late to do anything about it now.

"Harry," she sighed warily. She wasn't ready for his feeble attempt at small talk. She'd had enough time to reflect on the situation and had realised at some point that she would have to return to work, where he would be, and where gossip would thrive if it appeared her and the section head weren't on speaking terms. Although still slightly miffed at his untimely appearance, she did have to admit she rather liked his desperate attempts to win her back, a small sign after all that he might still care for her. It also meant she didn't have to make the first move. That was one thing she could never do.

Harry shook his head briefly before braving a glance in Ruth's direction. Although she appeared calm and collected, he could tell by the way she was clenching her jaw that she was far from pleased. He knew this conversation could go two ways; it was the thought that this could ruin everything they had worked so hard to try and salvage that made him think twice about turning up in the first place. But he was here now, and he had to admit that any conversation with Ruth was a good one at this present moment in time. Besides, he always thought she looked sexy when she was angry with him.

"Ok," Harry muttered, turning his face away from hers. "I came here to apologise sincerely for the last two weeks. I understand that I haven't handled it too greatly and I've upset you a lot more than I care to admit."

Ruth rolled her eyes and sighed heavily.

"What part are you sorry for?" Ruth waited until she had his full attention before she continued. She had her sights set on hurting him as much as he had hurt her. "The part where you shagged Juliet after hours or the part where you tried to tell me you loved me?"

Harry looked at her dumbfounded. He could hear the underlying tone of anger and bitterness, and although he knew he deserved the treatment he was getting; part of him couldn't help but feel this was a little hypocritical on her part. _Well maybe not hypocritical_, Harry mused silently, _but definitely a little uncalled for._ He knew playing that card could destroy her, just as he knew it would be the lowest blow he could ever possibly deal to the woman he loved. He'd only use it if she pushed him too hard.

"Ruth, please let me say what I need to say!" Harry snapped slightly as he rose from his seated position and moved to stand against the kitchen counter. "It's hard enough without constant interruptions."

"There's nothing for you to say Harry! You've said everything in your several bloody voicemails!"

"Which I have no doubt you haven't even listened to!" Harry could feel his temper rising rapidly as he tried to take control of the situation and say his piece without Ruth putting him down every time he paused for breath.

"I suggest you just leave, I don't have time for this right now." Now Ruth _was _angry and that was all it took for the last of Harry's resolve to snap. She too, had now risen from her seat at the kitchen table and was now facing him from the other side of the kitchen. It was too late for either of them to back away and leave.

"No!" He barked. "You will let me have my say Ruth, you will let me! I haven't spent every day over the last few weeks thinking of ways to make it up to you!"

She watched as his face began to brighten as he fought with himself to control his temper. How many times had she witnessed the man in front of her lose his cool in the most pointless of arguments? She had a feeling this time would be no exception.

"I wouldn't have noticed!" She snapped back, her tone laced with sarcasm. Somewhere in the back of her mind it registered that both of them were now virtually screaming at each other. She was usually one for shying away from confrontation but right now she welcomed it with open arms. "You have no right to be angry Harry!"

"Oh don't I?" Harry laughed hysterically. "Who was it that made me believe we could have had something together? Who was it that turned me away the next day and told me she couldn't handle gossip? YOU Ruth! You can't have it both ways!"

He crossed the room he was standing directly behind her before grabbing her waist forcefully and spinning her around to face him. She turned her head away from him, desperate not to look at his face, careful not to read too much into his expression. He watched as every word hit Ruth like a dagger through the heart. He knew he had gone too far, but he also knew Ruth would crumble if he kept it up for just a little longer. He was enjoying this moment; to get everything off his chest that had been plaguing him for so long.

"Look at me!" He spat angrily, bringing one hand to her chin and roughly turning her head and holding it just millimetres from his own.

"You rejected me Ruth and by rights that means I did nothing wrong! I know that I have hurt you Ruth but this just takes it to a whole new level! You hurt me first! You refused to see me again because you were worried of talk!"

He laughed bitterly before continuing his verbal assault. This was the trump card he had tried so hard not to play.

"You've spent two weeks wallowing in self pity over something you have no right to upset with!"

She fought to escape his grip, but it was no use. She was anchored to the spot and she wasn't physically strong enough to fight Harry. She was at his whim and she had no choice but to obey his every command.

"I tried so bloody hard for you Ruth," he sighed. His voice had calmed slightly but the harshness still remained, now only complimented with a slight edge of despair. "I risked so much to take you out on a bloody date, only for you to throw it back in my face! It's clear you don't want to be with me so why the hell do you care so much? Tell me Ruth! "

His grip tightened as he tried to coax her of an answer.

Ruth couldn't quite comprehend what had been happening. She should have seen this coming. The fact he would use her rejection of him as an excuse to get himself out of trouble. He had a point, but as he stood in front of her, his grip bruising her sensitive skin, she couldn't help but wonder how the man stood in front of her was the complete opposite of the man she had fallen in love with.

"I asked you a question Ruth," he spat bitterly. "At least you can do is answer it."

He watched as she refused to meet his eye. Her breathing had been deep and ragged and he could tell by the water droplets forming at her ducts that his vice like grip was causing her quite a lot of pain.

"Jealousy doesn't suit you Ruth," he laughed. He'd figured it out a while ago whilst ranting at her about their date. She wouldn't be so bothered about it if she wasn't jealous about the fact he could still get some when nobody had paid her the slightest bit of attention in a number of years. It all made sense now.

Ruth, however, stood motionless, her breaths coming out shaky and irregular. He had her cornered, but she was not ready to give in yet. She'd let him shout and rant and now it was her turn.

"Fuck you Harry," she snarled as she tried once more to remove herself from his vice like grip. "I cut off our relationship for you Harry! You know that but you can't bloody well accept it! Is this what you wanted? Is that the pay back your mind conjured up as I told you I couldn't see you again? That's low even for men like you!"

"You think this is payback?" He asked, his eyes widening in mild horror as her silence gave him the answer he was looking for. He removed his hand from her chin so he could rub his face vigorously, trying desperate to fight the tiredness threatening to take over. "Don't you know me at all?"

He removed his remaining hand from her waist before backing away slightly to allow a gap to form between their bodies. She looked him dead in the eye and spoke in nothing more than a broken whisper.

"No. The Harry Pearce I know wouldn't have sex with his ex at work in front of several CCTV cameras and a colleague who just so happened to be somebody he'd recently gone on a date with."

She watched in mild satisfaction as he backed away from her some more, a sign that he was giving in and ready to head out of the door.

"Does that answer your question?" She asked as she folded her arms tightly across her chest.

He turned on his heel until he was facing the hallway and his back was facing her.

"I came here to make peace with you before you came back to work on Monday," he muttered eventually. "I just guess some things don't work out the way you want them too." He took a few tentative steps forward before stopping again. "I'll see you on Monday."

She watched in mild panic as he continued his journey towards the door. Her mouth was suddenly dry and no matter how hard she tried to articulate the words to beg him to turn around and see the tears that were swimming in her eyes they kept dying in her throat.

He left without saying another word.

**Please review! More to come soon!**


	9. Chapter Nine

**A/N: Apologies for the slow update, it has been a hectic couple of weeks and have only just settled back into a steady routine. Also, apologies for a very short chapter. Given the way I have decided to progress with this particular story it made more sense to cut this down to one chapter rather than include it with the next chapter. Hopefully you'll forgive me!****Chapter ten has been written and just needs to be edited. Given there is still interest for this fic it should be posted on Friday. Enjoy!**

He watched the clock reach midnight and sighed loudly. Ruth returned to work today. It had been four days since their blazing row. He hadn't meant half the things he had said, he knew that much, but he also knew he'd have a hard time trying to explain that to Ruth. He rolled over onto his other side and tried desperately to chase the sleep that seemed so far out of reach. It was no use. Every time he came close, thoughts of Ruth screaming at him crept into his mind and he'd turn over franticly with the notion that if he faced the other way she wouldn't be there anymore. He never realised one thought could cause such inner turmoil, and as he turned over once more he made a mental note to himself that he would speak to her first thing in the morning before she came onto the grid. The thought of looking at her and remembering her face as she tore him apart was something he couldn't even begin to contemplate. It wasn't until the tossing and turning exhausted the whole of his body that sleep was finally able to take hold.

* * *

She watched the clock hit midnight and snapped her book shut before reaching over and turning off the bedside lamp. She returned to work today. She wondered if Harry had felt as guilty as she had in the days that followed the row and wondered if he would try and talk to her once more when she arrived on the grid in seven hours time. She knew she'd been lucky if he even acknowledged she was there. It was a quite a turn of events, he'd gone from the convicted to the victim in the space of half hour and somewhere in the remnants of her mind she felt that maybe she had been a little dramatic in refusing his apologies. Maybe he'd truly given up on her. If he had, if he had come to the conclusion that she was no longer worthy of her love then she would have to do her upmost to move on. Maybe a transfer across the river to six? Maybe even ask to be sent back to GCHQ? As long as she didn't have to see his face knowing she had lost him she would at least be able to try and move forward.

**Please review! More to come soon!**


	10. Chapter Ten

She awoke to the sound of her phone vibrating loudly on the wooden surface of her bedside table. She rubbed her eyes vigorously before grabbing the offending item and answering it straight away. She didn't even bother to check the caller ID.

"Ruth."

Her eyes snapped instantly towards the clock. 5.34a.m. There was no way she could be late for work so why on Earth was he calling her?

"Harry," she whispered, scared that if she spoke any louder she'd find out it was actually a dream and that wasn't on the other end.

"I just phoned to remind you that the underground have started their strikes today so you'll need an alternative method of getting into work." There was truth in his words, but the real reason as to why he was calling her so early was still hanging loosely on the edge of his tongue.

"Oh right, thanks." Ruth mumbled. She wasn't quite awake and engaging fully in the conversation.

"How are you getting into work then?" Harry enquired casually. He knew it was silly calling her so early for such a trivial matter, but he thought that if he offered her a lift to work it would at least give off a signal that they didn't need to fight anymore.

"I'll grab a few extra buses or something," Ruth yawned loudly down the speaker. "I haven't given it much thought. I'll be ok though."

"If you haven't figured out a route I could umm, give you a lift into work or something... Only if you need it. I'm passing your way due to road works so it's no problem if it makes it easier for you. You can't be late for your first day back at work."

"Harry it's no problem really, I have enough money on my oyster ca..."

"Ruth." His tone was sharp, telling her in an instant to be quiet and let him finish. His voice softened as he continued. "Please, let me give you a lift to work."

Ruth relaxed under the covers and tried her hardest not to smile. They may not be the best of friends but he was here offering a small lifeline to her. She felt that this was a line she had to bite.

"OK, you've convinced me. What time?"

Harry smiled as he swung his legs around the side of the bed and made to stand.

"I'll be at yours in an hour; do you think you'll be able to manage that?"

Ruth laughed. How he'd missed that sound so much.

"I'll see you in an hour then." She faltered slightly at a loss of what to say. "Thank you Harry."

"You're welcome. See you soon; bye Ruth."

"Bye Harry."

She disconnected the call and placed the phone back on her side before clambering out of bed and rushing into the bathroom. She knew she had an hour to get ready, but the thought of seeing Harry for the first time since their heated exchange left her feeling nervous and she was desperate to be washed and ready quite a while before he was due to arrive. The last thing he'd want to be greeted with was a quivering wreck.

* * *

Harry padded into the bathroom and stared intently at his reflection in the mirror. He still couldn't bring himself to believe that Ruth had accepted his invitation of a lift into work. _Ok, _he reasoned. _It might have more to do with the tube strikes than her desire to end the fighting but this is a step in the right direction. Maybe we haven't screwed this up to a point of no repair. _He knew from experience that personal issues and work didn't mix, and rationally he knew that without this nudge in the right direction his relationship with Ruth would forever be on the rocks.

He rubbed his face vigorously with his hand before reaching for the razor and shaving cream. _No more fighting _was his last thought on the matter before he applied the cream to his face and set about getting ready for the day ahead.

* * *

The door bell went after forty five minutes. She'd made a sensible decision in choosing to rush about like a maniac for the best part of half hour since he had phoned. She threw the last of her belongings in her bag before giving herself a once over in the mirror. Once she had reasoned with herself that she looked presentable enough for the working day, she finally ended Harry's game of pressing the door bell as many times as he could and opened the door. He stood shyly, offering a small smile as she grabbed her bag and enquired quietly how he was.

"I'm ok," he replied as he watched her lock her door. He shuffled aside and gestured with his arm for her to pass and lead him to the car. She met his gaze briefly as she did so and as she walked the distance to his car she couldn't quite believe that maybe, despite the verbal daggers they'd happily thrown at each other, they might be able to fix everything that was broken and move forward again.

The sound of the doors unlocking made Ruth jump a little, and as she heard Harry chuckle loudly at her reaction the familiar flutter of butterflies found its way to her stomach. She had a word with herself that she should not be feeling this way, but part of her reasoned that her reaction to everything had been based on the feelings she had so desperately tried to hide from everybody, including herself.

She sat herself in the passenger sit beside Harry. He turned his head in her direction and offered another smile before thrusting the key into the ignition and focusing his attention on the road. He wondered what she was thinking. She wondered how long it would take for him to end this awkward silence.

**A/N: Chapter 11 has been written and I am not too sure of when I want to post it... Hopefully there are still people interested in this story, and if there are, you know what to do!**


	11. Chapter Eleven

"Are you looking forward to your first day back?" Harry enquired casually as he waited patiently for the traffic to start moving again. Normally he would be shouting and cursing at drivers in other cars, but this morning he was quite happy to be delayed, especially if it meant spending more time with Ruth.

"Yes and no," she muttered back as she continued to stare of out the window.

Harry snapped his head round to face her and watched in mild amusement as she tried her hardest not to turn her head and meet his gaze. He knew she knew he was watching her.

"Yes and no?" he repeated slowly, hoping to usher a reasonable response from her lips.

"Yes because I've missed it so much," she clarified quietly. "But no, because when I walk on the grid I'll instantly be reminded of what it was that made me leave in the first place."

_At least she's being honest._

"Ruth..." Harry started before suddenly turning his attention back to the road as the traffic moved slightly before coming to a halt again. "I am truly sorry Ruth, truly sorry."

She sniffled slightly before trying to subtly wipe away a few stray tears. It was no use. He'd seen her, and it was breaking his heart.

"I never intended on having this conversation in the car," he mumbled gently, closing his eyes briefly as he willed himself not to lean over and wipe away her tears himself. "But every time I look at you all I can see is the pain that I've caused, and all I want to do is make it right Ruth."

She turned her head as far away from him as she could, desperate to hide her embarrassment at becoming so emotional so soon, over something that was allowed to escalate beyond the point of rationality and reason. It wasn't until she felt a hand gently squeeze her thigh that her resolve finally crumbled and she found herself experiencing another emotion breakdown, this time within the confines of Harry's car.

"Ruth?" Harry's face was stricken with mild panic as he tried to manoeuvre himself out of the lane he was in and exit the road. He tried his hardest to concentrate on the road ahead and block out the loud sobs echoing from the mouth of his female companion and as he finally managed to exit the road and park up in the nearest available space, he turned off the engine, undid his seatbelt and ushered Ruth to look at him, before drawing her into a hug.

"I'm so sorry," she breathed through heavy sobs. He kept her in his arms until she had calmed considerably before pulling away slowly and offering her a tissue from his glove compartment.

"You have nothing to be sorry for," he soothed as she mumbled her thanks and took the item from his outstretched hand before dabbing her eyes tentatively. "Do you want to talk about it?"

She smiled slightly before placing the tissue in her coat pocket and staring out at the world outside once again.

"Promise me there'll be no more fighting," she whispered, wringing her hands together as the nerves began to get to her once again. "Promise me, and we'll talk."

He watched her hands for a few moments before gripping the steering wheel and taking a deep breath.

"No more fighting," he agreed. "But I want to listen to you first; I want you to be honest with me about everything."

She cleared her throat before braving a glance in his direction. Even with her eyes bright red and puffy, he had never seen her look so beautiful.

"Honestly?" She whispered her voice still hoarse from crying.

"Honestly." He nodded for extra emphasis.

"You destroyed me Harry."

He screwed his eyes tightly shut so he didn't have to see her face and then nodded. Despite the improved conversation and the agreement not to fight, Harry had to remind himself that there was a reason behind the tears and the fights. It seemed so long ago it almost felt like it had never happened at all.

"It felt as though you were trying to tell me something," she whispered. If she spoke any louder then she knew the tears would start again, and that was the last thing she wanted. "This is what we could have been, this is what we could have shared, and this is what you threw away."

"I never meant it like that Ruth," Harry replied instantly, his eyes still firmly closed. He wanted so badly to convince her that it was biggest mistake he had ever made, but no coherent sentence was ever enough. He could feel himself responding emotionally to her announcement.. "I never meant it in any way Ruth, I beg you to understand that."

"I know that now," she whispered brokenly. "But it got me thinking."

Harry eyes opened abruptly and he took another deep breath before daring himself to ask her what it was she had been thinking about.

"About you," she clarified. She knew by admitting this to him she would have to explain her reasons, and although she would rather be in a place where she could escape if the feelings got too much, she managed to convince herself that he had initiated this conversation and that he was the one that wanted to hear it.

He waited silently for her to continue but when she remained silent he knew that he wasn't going to like what she had to say. He knew Ruth well enough to know that she remained silent if she didn't want to open up and share information.

"Ruth," he ushered gently, a layer of desperation lacing his voice. "Tell me what you thought about me, however bad I deserve it."

She nodded and drew a shaky breath before running her hand through her hair and finding the strength to utter the next few words.

"I remember when I first started having feelings for you." She took the tissue back out of her coat pocket and began to tear it into tiny little pieces on her lap. "A senior woman from another department caught me staring at you and thought it wise to warn me about your reputation within MI5."

Harry sighed loudly and turned his head sideways. He knew what was coming next.

"They told you about Jane and my affairs," he muttered, shaking his head as he did so. Although it was a known fact that Harry had been a serial cheat during his marriage to Jane, he would stand up and tell anybody who dared to question him that he was a changed man and any such behaviour now would make him physically sick.

"Yes," Ruth nodded slowly. "Not just affair, but affairs. The times you cheated on your wife whilst on various operation. It was beneath you to be a womaniser." Her voice broke. "I thought I could change you Harry, but when I saw..." she paused briefly as she tried to pull herself together. "When I saw you with Juliet I knew that it was no use, that a leopard never changes their spots."

She shook her head violently before wiping her eyes and blowing her nose. Harry on the other hand, leant forward and rested his head on the steering wheel.

"I'm not like that anymore Ruth, I promise you. I'm not." His voice was muffled as he continued to lean heavily onto the wheel in front. "I know you have evidence to the contrary, but I'm a changed man Ruth." His voice cracked towards the end as he tried to control his emotions. How could a day that had started with such promise change so rapidly to a day that was about to begin with heartache and misery. They weren't even at work yet.

She chocked slightly as she watched his face mould with the leather on the wheel. It was an unspoken game between them; _let's see who can hurt the other the most._

"But what if we had been together?" she eventually spoke. "What's to say it wouldn't have happened then? You've had an affair with Juliet before." Another pause, another shaky breath and another attempt at trying to calm herself down. "I've read your file, its MI5 gossip history. And I know that we're not together and I know that I have no right to be so upset about this but I am. It still felt like you were cheating on me, and this is why I can't do I can't keep lying to myself anymore."

He straightened himself up suddenly, his back resting against the back of his chair; his face searching her's for answers. He knew the similarity between his first affair and current situation was uncanny and he knew that it would have been mentioned at some point. After all, she was right. It was beneath him. He was slowly watching everything they had worked so hard to rebuild begin to unravel again and although he so badly wanted to ask her what it was she was lying about, he knew from the change in her posture and the pain etched across her features that it wasn't going to be anything that made him smile.

"We're going to be late if we sit here all morning," she sighed warily as she noted the time tick by slowly on the dashboard clock.

"This is more important," he stated, still watching her face. "I'm the boss; I won't record this on your file." He smiled slightly as she feebly attempted to chuckle at his statement. The moment was short lived, and soon enough they were lapsed back into awkward silence.

She waited for a few moments. She didn't know exactly what she was waiting for, but she knew once the next few words were out of her mouth there was no taking them back, no blaming them on the heat of the moment, no convincing him that she was bluffing. She had to truly mean them before she uttered them. She wasn't going to allow herself to have her heart broken again, and even though she loved him more than she thought she could love anybody else, she knew despite his argument that he would be the person to break it, and then her life would be truly over. It was easier to end it while she was ahead in the game.

"I can't keep convincing myself that there will ever be something between us," she muttered as she stared straight ahead, refusing point blank to meet his eye as she slowly broke his heart. "I can never again contemplate the possibility of having a relationship with you, not anymore, not ever."

"Ruth you don't mean that," Harry protested, the hurt and desperation becoming more apparent with every syllable that left his chapped lips. There was no way he was going to sit here and allow her to do this to him, no matter how much he wanted her to voice her fears and opinions. He was not letting this happen to him, not again.

"Harry," she whispered, her voice and face begging him not to argue with her decision.

He pursed his lips together and turned his face away from her view. He didn't want her to see his silent tears, but more to the point he didn't want to see her's. As they sat there, side by side, lost in their own thoughts and drowning in their own sorrows, Ruth thought about whether she had made the right decision and Harry wondered if there was ever going to be a possibility of winning her back.

**A/N: I'm in two minds right now. I know that I had brought a little hope into the mind's of some of you, but when thinking about how to style this one out and looking a little more into the characters, I didn't believe that Ruth would let it all pass over, no matter how irrational she realised her behaviour was. I know people have asked for a sequel where they try to find their way back to each other again, but I am trying to figure out whether this fic in particular needs to be continued or whether it is fine as it is and that the sequel is the way forward! Let me know!**


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